Life of Letter 10
marketing, design, travel, and my thoughtsArchive for Lukas
Unchartered…at least for me
Well today we had another successful ultrasound and were able to see little Ian wiggle around on the screen. This week my wife heads into the 25th week of pregnancy. The furthest along we have gone since we lost our son Lukas at 24 weeks a little over a year ago.
I have not missed an appointment yet and our doctor has taken a look on ultrasound each time. I don’t take these glimpses for granted anymore. There is still a place in my head that tells me it could be the last time I get to see him move. I want desperately to eliminate that place in my head. I want to just push past it and look forward to the time when I get to hold him, hear him laugh (and even cry). We are still very much taking things a day at a time but this week marks a new week, and a new milestone that we haven’t gotten too before. I hope that this is just the first of many more to come, more than I can even imagine.
It is amazing to me how much of a personality you can get from ultrasounds and really paying attention to the movement of your child. A few nights ago my wife used a doppler that she brought home to listen to Ian’s heartbeat. Normally it is easy to find and this time was proving tricky. Then Ian proceeded to rub against the wand. And then he kicked it, or punched it, or head-butted it. Something hit it…directly. He continued to move around so much that we could only get glimpses of this heartbeat. Seemed like he was playing with us already. Again today on the ultrasound it seemed like he simply did not want to make it easy for us to get a good look at him…moving around all over the place. I will never forget one of the ultrasounds with Lukas…he was just sitting there…kicked back with his little feet crossed. Moving around a little bit but seemed very relaxed and just hanging out.
I can’t wait to see if Ian’s personality that he displays on screen comes through to real life.
Thanks everyone for your help in remembering Lukas!
Kami and I want to thank you all for helping us remember our son and for participating in our little fundraiser!
We received a total of 45 pictures and that makes our donation $225! Since we didn’t quite reach our goal of 100 pictures we have decided to make the $225 donation to each of our charities. So $225 to Faces of Loss and $225 to March of Dimes. It is great to be able to give to such great organizations in memory of Lukas. Thank you all again for helping us!
A special thank you to those that made donations on your own. We are so grateful for your support.
Here is our collage of pictures that we received. To make things workout we were not able to include all the pictures and we apologize for this…do know that your pictures were included in the grand total.
We hope that this becomes a tradition and we plan on doing it once again next year. Start thinking of the creative ways to include green balloons in your pics for next year! Maybe we can double the number of pictures for next year!
I miss you baby boy
One year ago today…at about 2am my son was born still.
Just a short time prior this his birth my wife and I heard the worst words anyone can hear…”there’s no heartbeat.” I can still hear the doctors words in my mind. They, along with the ultrasound image of my son lying still are forever burned into my memory. He was so peaceful, so small, so innocent. He never had the chance to laugh, cry, or play. I never got the chance to meet him. So instead of doing all the things most parents get to do on their child’s birthday…we get to remember how such a small and short life still changed our lives forever.
Lukas, you taught me to take in every piece of beauty there is in the world. Not to take anything you love for granted and to truly make the most of each day. You taught me that you truly are not in control of your own life and all you can do is focus on being kind to people and have fun. You taught me that in the grand scheme of things all the little “stresses” we have really aren’t that big of a deal. Since you left us I have enjoyed every sunrise, and every sunset…thinking about the fact that you never got to see one. Shortly after you passed away I was working outside and a butterfly landed on my broom and stayed there for nearly an hour while I cleaned the patio. From that point on I have looked at these gentle creatures with a different light. I see each coincidence in life with a little more joy and I grasp for the knowledge of how you would have grown up.
I know that all the questions in my head will never be answered. I have accepted it. What I do know is that I have never loved someone so much and that I will never forget the lessons you taught me.
So on the anniversary of your birth I want to say that I love you and miss you baby boy.
